Veronika Decides to Die: A Novel of Redemption Read online

  It will pass.

  She stayed there, thinking that she no longer knew who she was; that she was hopelessly lost. She heard the sound of people coming in and out of the toilets, faucets being turned on and off, pointless conversations about banal subjects. More than once someone tried to open the door of the cubicle where she was sitting, but she said something in a murmur, and no one insisted. The noise of toilets flushing was like some horrendous force of nature, capable of demolishing an entire building and sweeping everyone down into hell.

  But, as she had foreseen, the fear passed, and her heartbeat returned to normal. It was just as well that her secretary was incompetent enough not even to notice her absence, otherwise the whole office would have been in the toilets asking if she was all right.

  When she knew that she had regained control of herself, Mari opened the cubicle door, again splashed her face with water for a long time, and went back to the office.

  "You haven't got any makeup on," said a trainee. "Do you want to borrow some of mine?"

  Mari didn't even bother to reply. She went into the office, picked up her handbag and her personal belongings, and told her secretary that she would be spending the rest of the day at home.

  "But you've got loads of appointments," protested her secretary.

  "You don't give orders, you receive them. Do exactly as I say, and cancel the appointments."

  The secretary stared at this woman with whom she had been working for nearly three years, and who had never once been rude to her before. Something must be seriously wrong with her, perhaps someone had told her that her husband was at home with his lover, and she wanted to catch them in flagrante.

  She's a good lawyer, she knows what she's doing, said the girl to herself. Doubtless tomorrow she would come and apologize to her.

  There was no tomorrow. That night Mari had a long conversation with her husband and described all the symptoms she had experienced. Together they reached the conclusion that the palpitations, the cold sweats, the feelings of displacement, impotence, lack of control, could all be summed up in one word: fear. Together husband and wife pondered what was happening. He thought it might be a brain tumor, but he didn't say anything. She thought she was having premonitions of some terrible event, but she didn't say anything either. They tried to find some common ground for discussion, like logical, reasonable, mature people.

  "Perhaps you'd better have some tests done."

  Mari agreed, on one condition, that no one, not even their children, should know anything about it.

  The next day she applied for and was given thirty days' unpaid leave from the office. Her husband thought of taking her to Austria, where there were many eminent specialists in disorders of the brain, but she refused to leave the house; the attacks were becoming more frequent and lasted longer.

  With Mari dosed up on tranquilizers, the two of them managed, with great difficulty, to get as far as a hospital in Ljubljana, where Mari underwent a vast range of tests. Nothing unusual was found, not even an aneurism--a source of consolation to Mari for the rest of her life.

  But the panic attacks continued. While her husband did the shopping and the cooking, Mari obsessively cleaned the house every day, just to keep her mind fixed on other things. She started reading all the psychiatry books she could find, only immediately to put them down again because she seemed to recognize her own malaise in each of the illnesses they described.

  The worst of it was that, although the attacks were no longer a novelty, she still felt the same intense fear and sense of alienation from reality, the same loss of self-control. In addition, she started to feel guilty about her husband, obliged to do his own job as well as all the house-work, cleaning apart.

  As time passed, and the situation remained unresolved, Mari began to feel and express a deep irritation. The slightest thing made her lose her temper and start shouting, then sob hysterically.

  After her thirty days' leave was over, one of Mari's colleagues turned up at the house. He had phoned every day, but Mari either didn't answer the phone or else asked her husband to say she was busy. That afternoon he simply stood there ringing the bell until she opened the front door.

  Mari had had a quiet morning. She made some tea, and they talked about the office, and he asked her when she would be coming back to work.

  "Never."

  He remembered their conversation about El Salvador.

  "You've always worked hard, and you have the right to choose what you want to do," he said, with no rancor in his voice. "But I think that, in cases such as these, work is the best therapy. Do some traveling, see the world, go wherever you think you might be useful, but the doors of the office are always open, awaiting your return."

  When she heard this, Mari burst into tears, which she often did now, with great ease.

  Her colleague waited for her to calm down. Like a good lawyer, he didn't ask anything; he knew he had a greater chance of getting a reply to his silence than to any question.

  And so it was. Mari told him the whole story, from what had happened in the movie theater to her recent hysterical attacks on her husband, who had given her so much support.

  "I'm crazy," she said.

  "Possibly," he replied, with an all-knowing air, but with real tenderness in his voice. "In that case, you have two options: Either get some treatment or continue being ill."

  "There isn't any treatment for what I'm feeling. I'm still in full possession of all my mental faculties, and I'm worried because this situation has gone on now for such a long time. I don't haven't any of the classic symptoms of insanity, like withdrawal from reality, apathy, or uncontrolled aggression--just fear."

  "That's what all crazy people say, that they're perfectly normal."

  The two of them laughed, and she made more tea. They talked about the weather, the success of Slovenian independence, the growing tensions between Croatia and Yugoslavia. Mari watched TV all day and was very well informed.

  Before saying good-bye, her colleague touched on the subject again.

  "They've just opened a new hospital in the city," he said, "backed by foreign money and offering first-class treatment."

  "Treatment for what?"

  "Imbalances, shall we say. And excessive fear is definitely an imbalance."

  Mari promised to think about it, but she still took no real decision. She continued to have panic attacks for another month, until she realized that not only her personal life but her marriage was on the point of collapse. Again she asked for some tranquilizers and again she managed to set foot outside the house, for only the second time in sixty days.

  She took a taxi and went to the new hospital. On the way, the driver asked if she was going to visit someone.

  "They say it's very comfortable, but apparently they've got some real nutters in there too, and part of the treatment includes electric shocks."

  "I'm going to visit someone," said Mari.

  It took only an hour of conversation for Mari's two months of suffering to come to an end. The director of the hospital--a tall man with dyed hair, who answered to the name of Dr. Igor--explained that it was merely a panic disorder, a recently recognized illness in the annals of world psychiatry.

  "That doesn't mean it's a new illness," he explained, taking care to make himself clear.

  "What happens is that the people affected by it tend to hide, afraid they'll be mistaken for lunatics. It's just a chemical imbalance in the body, as is depression."

  Dr. Igor wrote her a prescription and told her to go back home.

  "I don't want to go back now," said Mari. "Even after all you've told me, I won't have the courage to go out on the street. My marriage has become a hell, and my husband needs time to recover from these months he's spent looking after me."

  As always happened in such cases--because the shareholders wanted to keep the hospital working at full capacity--Dr. Igor accepted her as a patient, although making it absolutely clear that it wasn't necessary.

  Mari
received the necessary medication, along with the appropriate psychiatric treatment, and the symptoms diminished and finally disappeared altogether.

  During that time, however, the story of her internment in the hospital went the rounds of the small city of Ljubljana. Her colleague, the same friend who had a cup of tea with her only weeks ago, the companion who shared with her God knows how many moments of joy and trepidation, came to visit her in Villete. He complimented her on her courage in following his advice and getting help, but he then went on to explain the real reason for his visit: "Perhaps it really is time you retired."

  Mari knew what lay behind those words; no one was going to entrust their affairs to a lawyer who had been a mental patient.

  "You said that work was the best therapy. I need to come back, even if only for a short time."

  She waited for a response, but he said nothing. Mari went on: "You were the one who suggested I get treatment. When I was considering retirement, my idea was to leave on a high note, fulfilled, having made a free, spontaneous decision. I don't want to leave my job just like that, defeated. At least give me a chance to win back my self-esteem, and then I'll ask to retire."

  The lawyer cleared his throat. "I suggested you get treatment, I didn't say anything about going into hospital."

  "But it was a question of survival. I was too afraid to go out into the street; my marriage was falling apart."

  Mari knew she was wasting her words. Nothing she could say would persuade him; after all, it was the prestige of the office that was at risk. Even so, she tried once more.

  "Inside here, I've lived with two sorts of people: those who have no chance of ever going back into society and those who are completely cured, but who prefer to pretend to be mad rather than face up to life's responsibilities. I want and need to learn to like myself again, I have to convince myself that I'm capable of taking my own decisions. I can't be pushed into decisions not of my own making."

  "We're allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives," said her colleague, "except the mistake that destroys us."

  There was no point in continuing the conversation; in his opinion Mari had committed the fatal error.

  Two days later she received a visit from another lawyer, this time from a different practice, her now ex-colleagues' greatest rival. Mari cheered up; perhaps he knew she was free to take up a new post, and there was a chance she could regain her place in the world.

  The lawyer came into the visiting room, sat down opposite her, smiled, asked if she was feeling better and then took various papers out of his briefcase.

  "I'm here at your husband's request," he said.

  "This is an application for divorce. Obviously he'll continue to pay all your hospital bills for as long as you remain in here."

  This time Mari did not attempt to argue. She signed everything, even though she knew that, in accordance with the law she had studied and practiced, she could prolong the quarrel indefinitely. She then went straight to see Dr. Igor and told him that her symptoms had returned.

  Dr. Igor knew she was lying, but he nevertheless extended her internment for an indefinite period.

  Veronika decided she would have to go to bed, but Eduard was still standing by the piano.

  I'M TIRED, Eduard. I need to sleep." She would have liked to continue playing for him, dredging up from her anesthetized memory all the sonatas, requiems, and adagios she used to know, because he knew how to admire without appearing to demand anything of her. But her body could take no more.

  He was so good-looking. If only he would take one step outside his world and see her as a woman, then her last nights on this earth might be the most beautiful of her entire life: Eduard was the only one capable of understanding that Veronika was an artist. Through the pure emotion of a sonata or a minuet she had forged a bond with this man such as she had never known with anyone else.

  Eduard was the ideal man, sensitive, educated; a man who had destroyed an indifferent world in order to recreate it again in his head, this time with new colours, new characters, new stories. And this new world included a woman, a piano and a moon that was continuing to grow.

  "I could fall in love right now and give everything I have to you," she said, knowing that he couldn't understand her. "All you ask from me is a little music, but I am much more than I ever thought I was, and I would like to share other things with you that I have only just begun to understand."

  Eduard smiled. Had he understood? Veronika felt afraid--all the manuals of good behavior say that you should never speak of love so directly, and never to a man you barely know. But she decided to continue, because she had nothing to lose.

  "You're the only man on the face of the earth with whom I could fall in love, Eduard, for the simple reason that, when I die, you will not miss me. I don't know what schizophrenics feel, but I'm sure they never miss anyone.

  "Perhaps, to begin with, you'll miss the fact that there's no more night music, but the moon will still rise, there'll be someone willing to play sonatas for you, especially in a hospital, where each and every one of us is a 'lunatic.'"

  She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the moon, but it must be a strong one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane.

  "And I won't miss you either, Eduard, because I will be dead, far from here. And since I'm not afraid of losing you, I don't care what you think or don't think about me. Tonight I played for you like a woman in love. It was wonderful. It was the best moment of my entire life."

  She looked at Mari outside in the garden. She remembered her words. And again she looked at the man standing in front of her.

  Veronika took off her sweater and moved closer to Eduard. If she was going to do something, let it be now. Mari would put up with the cold out there for a long time, and only then would she come back in.

  He stepped back. The question in his eyes was this: When was she going to play the piano again? When would she play a new piece of music to fill his soul with the same color, pain, suffering, and joy of those insane composers who had leapt the generations with their work?

  The woman outside told me to masturbate and to find out how far I can go. Can I really go farther than I've ever been before?

  She took his hand and tried to pull him toward the sofa, but Eduard politely declined. He preferred to remain standing where he was, beside the piano, waiting patiently for her to play again.

  Veronika was disconcerted at first and then realized that she had nothing to lose. She was dead; what was the point of continuing to feed the fears or preconceptions that had always limited her life? She took off her blouse, her trousers, her bra, her panties, and stood before him naked.

  Eduard laughed. She didn't know why, she merely noted that he had laughed. Delicately she took his hand and placed it on her genitals; his hand remained there, immobile. Veronika gave up the idea and removed his hand.

  Something was exciting her far more than any physical contact with this man: the fact that she could do whatever she wanted, that there were no limits. Apart from the woman outside, who might come back in at any moment, nobody else would be awake.

  Her blood began to race, and the cold--which she had felt when she took off her clothes--was fading. Veronika and Eduard were both standing up, face to face, she naked, he fully clothed. Veronika slid her own hand down to her genitals and started to masturbate; she had done it before, either alone or with certain partners, but never in a situation like this, where the man showed no apparent interest in what was happening.

  And this was exciting, very exciting. Standing up, legs apart, Veronika was touching her genitals, her breasts, her hair, surrendering herself as she had never done before, not because she wanted to see Eduard leave his distant world, but because this was something she had never experienced before.

  She started talking, saying unthinkable things, things that her parents, her friends, her ancestors would have considered absolute filth. Her first orgasm came, and she bit her lips so a
s not to cry out with pleasure.

  Eduard was looking at her. There was a different light in his eyes, as if he understood, even if it was only the energy, heat, sweat, and smell that her body gave off. Veronika was still not satisfied. She knelt down and started masturbating again.

  She wanted to die of orgasmic pleasure, thinking about and realizing everything that had always been forbidden to her: she begged him to touch her, to force her, to use her in any way he wanted. She wished Zedka were there too, because a woman knows how to touch another woman's body better than any man, because she already knows all its secrets.

  On her knees before Eduard, who remained standing, she felt possessed, touched, and she used coarse words to describe what she wanted him to do to her. Another orgasm came, stronger than ever, as if everything around her were about to explode. She remembered the heart attack she had had that morning, but what did that matter, she would die in one great explosion of pleasure. She was tempted to touch Eduard--he was there before her--but she did not want to risk spoiling the moment. She was going far, very far, just as Mari had said.

  She imagined herself both queen and slave, dominatrix and victim. In her imagination she was making love with men of all skin colors--white, black, yellow--with homosexuals and beggars. She was anyone's, and anyone could do anything to her. She had one, two, three orgasms, one after another. She imagined everything she had never imagined before, and she gave herself to all that was most base and most pure. At last, unable to contain herself any longer, she cried out with pleasure, with the pain of all those orgasms, all those men and women who had entered and left her body through the doors of her mind.

  She lay down on the ground and stayed there, drenched in sweat, her soul full of peace. She had concealed her hidden desires even from herself, unable to say why, but she needed no answer. It was enough that she had done what she had done. She had surrendered herself.