The Book of Manuals Read online

  8. Paths cross. People can tell you what the weather is like. Listen to their advice, but make your own decisions. You alone are responsible for the path entrusted to you.

  9. Nature follows its own rules. This means that you have to be prepared for autumn’s sudden changes, for winter’s treacherous snow and ice, for spring’s seductive flowers, for the drought and the rain of summer. Make the most of each of these seasons, and do not complain about them.

  10. Let your path be a mirror of yourself. Do not be influenced by the way in which others tend their paths. You have your own soul to listen to, and the birds to tell you what your soul is saying. May your soul’s stories be beautiful and pleasing to everything around you. Above all, may the stories that your soul tells you along the way be reflected in every second of your journey.

  11. Love your path. If you do not, nothing will make sense.

  Manual of reasons to love men

  (Originally sent by a reader, Julia Dragan, and complemented with information I found on various chat rooms on the internet.)

  1. We love men because they cannot fake an orgasm, even if they want to.

  2. Because they will never understand us, but nevertheless keep trying.

  3. Because they can still see our beauty, even when we ourselves are incapable of believing in it.

  4. Because they can understand equations, politics, mathematics and economics, but not the female heart.

  5. Because, as lovers, they only rest when we reach (or pretend to reach) orgasm.

  6. Because they have managed to elevate sport to something close to a religion.

  7. Because they are never afraid of the dark.

  8. Because they insist on trying to mend things that are beyond them, and apply themselves to this task with all the enthusiasm of an adolescent and then despair when they fail.

  9. Because they are like pomegranates, large parts of which are inedible, but whose seeds are delicious.

  10. Because they never worry about what the neighbours might say.

  11. Because we always know what they are thinking, and when they open their mouth, they say exactly what we thought they would.

  12. Because it wouldn’t occur to them to torture themselves by wearing high heels.

  12a. Because they love to explore our body and conquer our soul.

  14. Because a fourteen-year-old girl can leave them speechless and a twenty-five-year-old can easily tame them.

  15. Because they are always drawn to extremes: hedonists or ascetics, warriors or monks, artists or generals.

  16. Because they do their best to try and overcome their weaknesses.

  17. Because a man’s greatest fear is not being a man, something that never occurs to a woman (not being a woman, that is).

  18. Because they eat everything on their plate and never feel guilty.

  19. Because they find really boring things fascinating, for example, cars and office politics.

  20. Because they have shoulders on which we can easily fall asleep.

  21. Because they are at ease with their bodies, apart from minor concerns about baldness and obesity.

  22. Because they are incredibly brave about insects.

  23 Because they never lie about their age.

  24. Because however hard they try, they cannot live without a woman.

  25. Because when we say to a man ‘I love you’, he always wants to know how much.

  Manual to help men understand women’s behaviour

  (as told to me by Kirsten)

  1. We women are born detectives. In our eyes, all men are suspect, and any affairs you may have will always be discovered; it’s just a matter of time.

  2. Even if we’re not in love with you, hearing the words ‘I love you’ is a balm to our souls. And if you don’t say it, we’ll notice and feel sad.

  3. It’s the same with ‘you look lovely’. It takes only two seconds to say these three magic words, which are capable of transforming our nightmares into real fairy tales.

  4. If we ask you what clothes we should wear, don’t get annoyed if we decide to wear exactly the opposite of what you chose; that’s just the way we are.

  5. At a party, we are capable of scanning the whole room in less than a minute and deciding who looks interesting. Be warned.

  6. We think about sex as compulsively as men, or even more so. The difference is that we don’t show it.

  7. If we don’t immediately accept an invitation out to supper, don’t worry; we need a few days to lose the extra pounds we always feel are blighting our lives.

  8. Women always remember everything. If you ask when we met, we won’t say: ‘at a party’. We will say: it was on a Tuesday, after a supper where we ate salad and chicken soup, you were wearing a black jacket and your shoes were made by…etc.

  9. However much love we are capable of giving, there are seven days in the month when we want to be far away from everything and everyone. You have two options: tie yourself to the mast and wait for the storm to pass or go to the nearest jeweller’s and buy a present. We recommend the second option.

  10. We are as capable of reasoning as a man, but we prefer not to show it, because that might make you feel insecure. Women who have failed to follow this advice in the past have ended up alone.

  11. We love body hair on men, but waxing is our favourite form of self-torture.

  12. We hate making love when we’re not in the mood, but we’ll do it anyway and you won’t even notice the difference.

  12a. Play with our pets and our children and we will play with you. Ignore them and we will ignore you too.

  14. Women are endowed with X-ray vision. We can look into a pair of hard, dark eyes and see the child behind them. We can fix on a pair of angelic blue eyes and see the devil lurking within. We know when men are pretending to be asleep and – even more obvious – when they’re pretending they haven’t been sleeping with someone else.

  15. If we have a problem we want to discuss with you, don’t try to offer us a solution, because we already have one. It’s merely a way of trying to prevent our relationship dissolving into tedium.

  Final statement:

  Not all women want marriage and children; many want only orgasms and pets.

  Never forget that.

  Julia’s manual explaining why men love women

  1. We men love women because they still think they’re adolescents even when they’re old.

  2. Because they smile whenever they pass a child.

  3. Because they walk down the street looking straight ahead and never turn round to say thank you or to return the smile or compliment they receive as they pass.

  4. Because they are brazen in bed, not because they are naturally depraved, but because they want to please us.

  5. Because they do all they can to keep the house looking neat and tidy, and never expect any thanks for the work they do.

  6. Because they don’t read pornographic magazines.

  7. Because they sacrifice themselves in the name of beauty, and submit to waxing, botox injections, and terrifying machines in gyms.

  8. Because they prefer to eat salads.

  9. Because they paint their faces with as much care as Michelangelo expended on the Sistine Chapel.

  10. Because they want to know everything about their own appearance, but seek out other women to talk to and not bother us with such questions.

  11. Because they have their own ways of solving problems, which we never understand and which drive us mad.

  12. Because they are kind and say ‘I love you’ at precisely the moment when they are beginning to love us less, just to make us feel better.

  12a. Because sometimes they complain about the same things we complain about, such as colds and rheumatism, and that way, we know they are people just like us.

  14. Because they write romantic novels.

  15. Because while our armies are invading other countries, they are staunchly engaged in carrying out their own private, inexplicable war on all the cockroaches in the world.

  16. Because they melt when they hear the Rolling Stones sing ‘Angie’.

  17. Because they can happily go to work dressed like men, in their little suits, whereas no man would ever dare to go to work in a skirt.

  18. Because in films – and only in films – they never take a shower before making love with their partner.

  19. Because they always manage to find a convincing defect when we say that another woman is pretty, and thus leave us feeling uncertain about our good taste.

  20. Because they take seriously everything that is happening in the private lives of celebrities.

  21. Because they manage to fake orgasms as convincingly as the most famous and talented movie star.

  22. Because they adore drinking exotic, brightly coloured cocktails with little umbrellas in them, while we drink our usual glass of whisky.

  23. Because they don’t spend hours wondering how they’re going to get talking to the gorgeous man who just got on the bus.

  24. Because we came from them, will return to them, and until then, we orbit ceaselessly around the female mind and body.

  (I would add that we men love women because they are women. As simple as that.)

  The professional crisis and its booby-traps

  (Mario Rosa is one of the most intelligent people I’ve met. The following list is based on one of his books, The Achilles Syndrome.)

  How it starts

  1. Watch out for enemies: The crisis comes from outside, even though we sometimes think it’s only in our own souls. Some insignificant childhood incident can have major consequences in adult life.

  2. The crisis is bent on destruction: However hard we try, romantically, to link the word ‘crisis’ to the word ‘opportunity’ (as the
Chinese do), that is only possible when we are prepared for the unexpected. Since we rarely are, the crisis sweeps in and begins to destroy everything around us.

  3. The truth doesn’t help: When my book The Zahir was published, a Russian dress designer announced in Moscow’s most popular newspaper that the story was based on our ‘love affair’ (the muse who inspired it was in fact Christina Lamb, a war correspondent for the English newspaper The Sunday Times). I was foolish enough to send a letter denying it. End result: anyone who hadn’t read the original story heard about it through my letter. And speculations were soon rife about how men, when their backs are to the wall, always claim innocence.

  4. A problem, however small, can create a gigantic crisis: In Brazil, a charge of bribery brought against a director of the national postal service unleashed a whole series of accusations that affected various members of the government. In a marriage, a husband or wife coming home late from work can trigger all kinds of repressed emotions, which are then very difficult to contain.

  5. Facts don’t count, what counts is the public’s perception of those facts: I know a girl whose family is always having a tough time of it, whose father hates her mother, and whose other family members fight like cat and dog – but they do so quietly. As long as the girl gets excellent grades at school, as long as the neighbours and ‘public opinion’ know nothing about the real situation, it will be assumed that everything is fine.

  6. Everything becomes a deadly weapon: Since a crisis always involves a dialogue of the deaf, in which one party can’t hear what the other is saying, arguments become useless. If you say ‘I love oranges’, what the other person will hear is that you hate potatoes and are complaining because she served you a plate of French fries for supper.

  7. A crisis always needs a symbol: It can be an institution like marriage, a profession, a business, religion, love, or a code of conduct. The person is only the instrument by which harm can be inflicted on that symbol.

  Two ineffectual solutions

  Once a crisis has begun, the worst possible ways to react are:

  A. Ignore the problem. Maria knows that João, her husband, is about to be fired from his job, which will make it hard for the family to survive. However, since João doesn’t mention the matter, she pretends she doesn’t know.

  B. Deny the problem exists. João, for his part, thinks that with the contacts he has made during his working life, he will get another opportunity, thus failing to acknowledge just how serious his situation is. He forgets one of the hardest rules of life, spoken by Jesus: ‘From him that has not shall be taken away even that which he has’. The moment he loses his job all those contacts will disappear, because João will have nothing to offer in exchange.

  C. Refuse to ask for help. João and Maria have spent many years together, and know each other extremely well. João can only think of his problems, because a crisis absorbs all of a person’s energies. Maria might be able to help him, but, out of pride, he cannot share his difficulties. As a result, João, unable to think clearly, sinks further and further into his sea of troubles.

  D. Lie or tell half-truths. One day, Maria screws up her courage and, as they about to go to sleep, asks if something is wrong. João answers: ‘I’m thinking of changing my job.’ Clearly, from a legal point of view, this could be said to be true – since João is about to be fired, he really is considering finding a new job. Maria says nothing more. The pressure in João’s mind grows, because he suspects that his wife knows something, but now that he has lied, he can no longer use the truth as a way of saving himself

  E. Blame other people. João knows he is a good man, that he has always been an honest worker and has tried to give the best of himself. He thinks his boss is acting unfairly, that he doesn’t deserve what is happening to him. The fact is that the boss might be going through exactly the same drama, because all employees are controlled by abstract entities known as ‘companies’. Even so, faced by what João considers to be an absurd situation, instead of keeping a cool head, he thinks that the world is full of cruel and evil people.

  F. Overestimate your own abilities: João starts saying how talented and capable he is and ends up convincing himself that he is not facing a crisis, but rather a new opportunity. João is very talented, but that isn’t enough, because he’s not yet ready for the final blow when it comes and which takes away his breath and his enthusiasm.

  Since he has done all the wrong things, when the evil day arrives, João is dismissed. From then on, the family stands on the brink of ruin, because of all that precious time wasted denying that disaster was nigh.

  What to do then? Well, I have been through many crises in my life and have probably made all the mistakes described above. Until, during what was possibly the very worst of all my crises, my friends rallied round.

  Now, the first thing I do is ask for help. Naturally, the final decision will be my sole responsibility but I have never regretted revealing my vulnerability to my wife and my friends, instead of trying to put a brave face on it.

  And as soon as I began to ask for and accept help, my tendency to make mistakes diminished, although it’s still there, of course, always waiting to strike.

  Manual for real travelling, and not just so that you can tell your friends you’ve visited other countries

  1. Avoid museums. This might seem to be absurd advice, but let’s just think about it a little: if you are in a foreign city, isn’t it far more interesting to go in search of the present than the past? It’s just that people feel obliged to go to museums because they learned as children that travelling was about seeking out that kind of culture. Obviously museums are important, but they require time and objectivity - you need to know what you want to see there, otherwise you will leave with a sense of having seen a few really fundamental things, except that you can’t remember what they were.

  2. Hang out in bars. Bars are the places where life in the city reveals itself, not in museums. By bars I don’t mean nightclubs, but the places where ordinary people go, have a drink, ponder the weather, and are always ready for a chat. Buy a newspaper and enjoy the ebb and flow of people. If someone strikes up a conversation, however silly, join in: you cannot judge the beauty of a particular path just by looking at the gate.

  3. Be open. The best tour guide is someone who lives in the place, knows everything about it, is proud of his or her city, but does not work for an agency. Go out into the street, choose the person you want to talk to and ask them something (Where is the cathedral? Where is the post office?). If nothing comes of it, try someone else - I guarantee that by the end of the day you will have found yourself an excellent companion.

  4. Try to travel alone or - if you are married - with your spouse. It will be harder work, no one will be there taking care of you, but only in this way can you truly leave your own country behind. Travelling with a group is a way of being in a foreign country while speaking your mother tongue, doing whatever the leader of the flock tells you to do, and taking more interest in group gossip than in the place you are visiting.

  5. Don’t compare. Don’t compare anything - prices, standards of hygiene, quality of life, means of transport, nothing! You are not travelling in order to prove that you have a better life than other people - your aim is to find out how other people live, what they can teach you, how they deal with reality and with the extraordinary.

  6. Understand that everyone understands you. Even if you don’t speak the language, don’t be afraid: I’ve been in lots of places where I could not communicate with words at all, and I always found support, guidance, useful advice, and even girlfriends. Some people think that if they travel alone, they will set off down the street and be lost for ever. Just make sure you have the hotel card in your pocket and - if the worst comes to the worst - flag down a taxi and show the card to the driver.

  7. Don’t buy too much. Spend your money on things you won’t need to carry: tickets to a good play, restaurants, trips. Nowadays, with the global economy and the Internet, you can buy anything you want without having to pay excess baggage.